The state i'm in...

11:42am: Moving into Tom's tomorrow. I better get a job fasssst. I don't know how long i'll last there. EEk. Haven't had a drink in awhile, maybe I should get trashed tonight. Not pukey-trashed, but happy trashed.

2:56am: I'm lonely, but I can't complain.. I need to find a job desperately. "Growing up" (or whatever) is kind of good and really bad at the same time. I don't know what to think yet. I'm happy over here, but I miss the lake, all of my friends, and my privacy. I'm living in Market Harborough rather than Cottingham this year and it's more of a town than a village, there's a lot less space. Which suckkks. I'm so confused about what I need to do, and it's a lot harder with no family over here.Oh yeah,and...IT IS SO EXPENSIVE here. At least I have Thomas and his family...
hmph..........

8:50pm: i just got back from England........... i cannot express how hard it was for me to come back.
so hard. i feel sooo lonely. i miss the people, the pubs, the happiness, the lenience, my THOMAS, my mommy, the food, the tea, the alcohol, the freedom, the villages and towns, the history, the respect, the differences...................the list goes on and on. it kind of hurts to come home.
but i'll be back.. i'm going back to live there this summer.
and plus, thomas will be here within the next week.
i'll be fine.

12:19pm: i'm so stressed out.. but i'm calm at the same time.
it's confusing. i wish i could just make up my mind. but it's not that easy. or maybe it is and i'm just being lazy.
that's probably what it is.
i need to get away.
fucking prairie heights.

9:56pm: life is weird, i suppose.
it's getting better, though.
i hate being so guarded. confined.
it just seems so wrong. sooooo out of place.
but, on a lighter note, i'm very happy with my social situation.
i've found some really lovely people this year. (:
jeremy needs to come the fuck home though.
and i miss ttttom.

so yeah. i guess that's it.

10:32pm: uhh i don't know.
highschool is weird.
i miss my boyfriend.
i hate that fake feeling i keep getting.
i wish _____ would not hate me, i guess i wish we could still be friends.
i miss jeremy.
i have to say that i didn't miss yellow school buses.
thomas is coming next weekend. i can't wait to hibernate with him.

4:57pm: i cannot express my deep hatred for prairie heights high school.

11:20pm: dude.
i made friends with susan powter.

6:24pm: i am currently drinking beer and sweating my ass off.
my father is stubborn and refuses to turn the air conditioning on. ):
10 things i hate about america...
1. the intense heat of summer
2. mosquitoes
3. white trash/ trailer parks
4. the smoking age
5. the radio stations
6. large vehicles
7. stupid people who ride motorbikes without helmets
8. you have to be 21 to get into bars/pubs/clubs...
9. lack of transportation such as buses, trains, etc.
10. there is fuck all to do
oh, and i guess i should probably include prairie heights... but most of all there is no thomas.

5 things i love about america...
1. my lovely friends and family
2. bass lake
3. winter & fall
4. the smell of the bread factory in fort wayne
5. not being called a bloody yank by drunk men with bad teeth

3:34pm: tom's operation was successful, phew.
(:
i'm going to be home in less than two days. oh my god. i'm excited and scared.

8:28pm: only eight days until my homecoming. goodness, gracious. went to a house party at my neighbors last night, drank a lot.. danced. refused coke about four times. manky bastards! yesterday i bought some dark blonde hair dye... i wanted it to look natural. looks honey-brown. hmph. went to see christina and hazell with tom. gave me leaving presents- a large, pink NICOLE bag and an old marilyn monroe print. tom's surgery is in a couple days and i'm pretty worried, especially since i won't be with him. wow. i can't believe i'm going home.

1:35pm: i feel old.
life is mostly boring.
i bought a brazilian guitar the other day, it's magnificent.
thomas spent the night yesterday, we got wrecked at the spread eagle pub, played a bajillion songs on the juke box and talked to the old men.
woke up at about eleven and watched green street hooligans.. it almost made me cry.
it's just weird thinking about home now. i know i'm going to totally dread P.H. ):
i can't wait until i go on vacation, cottingham is killing me.

5:49pm: a friend who'll tease is better
The Honesty Survey.

1. Honestly, what color is your underwear?
black

2. Honestly, whats on your mind?
boredom, loneliness, people from home, money, the future, wondering what thomas is doing, etc.

3. Honestly, what are you doing right now?
rubbing my shoulder and being lazy... downloading music.

5. Honestly, do you think you are attractive?
most of the time, i guess.

6.honestly have you done something bad today?
not really. i smoked a cigarette.

7. Honestly, do you watch disney channel?
hell no.

8. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?
probably.

9. Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time?
love!! kisses. dressing up.

10. Honestly, do you bite your nails?
no.

12. Honestly, have you had an eating disorder?
yes

13. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute?
mhmmmmm.

14. Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret?
no

15. Honestly, do you have a friend you don't actually like?
any friend i have in this country isn't a real friend. except for a select few including thomas. i like them but they aren't real.

17. Honestly, are you loyal?
yes.

18. Honestly, are you in denial?
only when i've been drinking.

19. Honestly, who would you rather be with right now?
elizabeth, moriah.

20. Honestly, do you like someone?
duh.

21. Honestly, does anyone like you?
yeah.

DIFFERENT EMOTIONS SURVEY


*Anger Section*

1. What do you do when you're mad?
ignore people and seclude myself. use evil eyes. bite my bottom lip. act really cold.

2. What's the worst thing you've done when you were mad?
ruined things, said things i didn't mean, became a mime.
3. Ever made anyone cry when you were mad?
my sister. myself.

4. Do you swear when you're mad?
occasionally. depends on who and what.

*CRYING SECTION*

1. When was the last time you really cried your heart out?
at tom's the other day. but, i had pms.

2. Ever cried yourself to sleep?
duh

3.Do you still cry when you get an injury?
no. i probably would if it hurt a super lot, though.

4. Do certain songs make you cry?
of course.

5. What usually makes you cry?
low self-esteem, feeling lonely and hurt, overanalyzing situations and things people say... and probably everything, getting into a frenzy of different emotions that just make me explode.


*Happy Section*

1. Are you normally a happy person?
not exactly

2. What can make you happy?
tom tickling my back, dressing up, wine and hotels, music, staying up late with tom, being with wonderful friends, my kitten purring, feeling useful, tom petting me whilst telling me how beautiful and amazing i am.

3. Does being with your friends make you happy?
extremely

*Self-Esteem Section*

1. Do you believe in yourself?
........

2. When people say they think you are good looking/pretty, do you deny that you are?
no. i say 'thank you'.

3. Are you one of those people that think they are ugly, dumb, and gross?
no. not usually.

10:05pm: perfection
for the past four days thomas and i have been camping out.
this involves large amounts of fire, slugs and red wine. we stayed up all night, we were afraid of the panther rumors. thomas is...... everything now. i'm SO so so so so so so so happpppy. we're taking a vacation to spain in a couple weeks. eeeeeeeeee. coming back to america is going to be weird.

7:56pm: 1. You have 10 bucks and need to buy snacks at a gas station. What do you get?
cigarettes, red bull and stackers.

2. If you had to be reincarnated as some sort of sea dwelling creature, what would you be?
a mermaid.... but obviously they don't exist... so... maybe a large, beautiful jellyfish.

3. Who's your favorite Redhead?
rita hayworth... but you know... can't trust those god damn gingers...

4. What do you order when you're at an IHOP?
i can't even remember.

5. Last book you read?
the curious incident of the dog in the night time


6. Have you made out with anyone on your friends list?
yehh.

7. Describe your favourite pair of underwear.
all of my french knickers

8. Describe the last time you were injured:
when thomas and i were playing knuckles

9. Of all your friends, with whom would you want to be stuck in a well with?
elizabeth

10. Are there any odd things that make you feel uncomfortable?
well, no shit. vague question.

11. Are there any weird things that turn you on?
i don't have like a foot fetish or something if that's what this is asking.

12. What is the wallpaper on your cell phone?
the nokia screen.

13. Favourite pop?
jones soda

14. Flavour of pudding?
tapioca, but i'm not a big pudding fan.

15. What type of shirt are you wearing?
lingere/black/silk/lace thingyyy.

16. Prescription medication?
give it a couple weeks.

17. If you could use only one form of transportation for the rest of your life, what would it be?
personal jet.

18. How many people are on your friends list?
...

19. The last piece(s) of clothing you purchased?
two mini dresses, shoes, bra, panties from Victoriassecret.com

20. What are you listening to right now?
jack johnson

21. Most recent movie you've watched in a theater?
i haven't been to the cinema in a year.

22. If you could invent one thing, what would it be?
a time machine...

23. Name a teacher you had the hots for:
mr.holm..........................................yeah.

24. What's your favourite city?
san francisco, fort wayne and/or oostende..

25. Favourite kind of cake?
dark chocolate cheese cake with raspberries.

26. What's the first word that comes to mind right now?
taste

27. When was the last time you saw your mom in person?
10 minutes ago.

28. Who got you to join Myspace?
can't remember...

29. What did you have for dinner last night?
vegetable stir fry

30. How long have you been residing in the current city you live in?
almost a year.

31. Which celebrities do you find attractive?
uhh.. john cusack, dermot mulroney, sylvester stallone, robert downey jr., kieran culkin.

32. What's the last thing you said out loud?
what happened, olivia??

33. Look to your left, what do you see?
a door and a painting of a girl.

34. Who is the last person who spent $100 on you?
my mom.

35. Who's your favorite tennis player?
that guy that gets all pissy and throws fits... you know..

36. When was your last kiss?
a couple hours ago.

11:12pm: They hardly ever touch,
Or if they do it is like a confession
Of having little feeling - or too much.

7:13pm: seventeen.
tommy's mama made me a barbie cake! i freaking love those. went out to like the only mexican restaurant in england. they're pretty scarce. drank margaritas like water. opened presents.. went to the king's head to watch some live music with thomas and got wrecked slowly. perhaps it was quicker than i thought. this guy walked up to us and asked thom if his name was ken. later, when he was at the toilets, the same guy came up and asked me if my name was barbie. jesus creeping god, the majority of english people are pretty whack. probably because they're drunk 70 percent of the time. or more.
so anyways, everything is sweet as.
thomas and i will be 4 months old tomorrow. we officially started dating on his birthday, when he asked if i'd be his present in the hotel room. sounds more dirty than i meant it to be.
maybe.
so we're going to purchase a large quantity of cheap champagne and drink up.
cheers.

8:23pm: i don't like paris.
i went to paris on saturday and just got back.
the food was good, and i could actually buy drinks legally... but my god. that place is hectic as fuck. i couldn't see the romance in it. but, it's better at night.
............................................................................

1. real name and/or screen name:
2. birthday:
3. place of residence:
4. what makes you happy:
5. what are you listening to now/have listened to last:
6. do you read my lj:
7. if you do, what is particularly good/bad about it:
8. an interesting fact about you:
9. are you in love/have a crush at the moment:
10. favourite place to be:
11. favourite lyric:
12. best time of the year:
13. weirdest food you like:
14. do farts make you laugh:

RECOMMEND
1. a film:
2. a book:
3. a band, a song and an album:

PLUS
1. one thing you like about me:
2. two things you like about yourself:
3. put this in your lj so i can tell you what i think of you

10:58pm: venus as a boy
thomas has made my life perfect. no doubt about it. or maybe he is the only perfect aspect of my life...
either or, it's all good.
i can't believe how freaking dreamy i get when i look at him. gross. (:
my mother is being such an emotional bitch. but only in an attempt to show her love.... i think.
i still need to get a job.
how am i going to go back to ph in august? bleh.
i sleep in every day, clean, read, drink wine, paint, wait for thomas, write, visit thomas, and make random calls to my few good friends in america.
the jehovah's witnesses love me, i'm always home and i'm not mean enough to tell them to leave.

3:37pm: i went to Belgium. oh sweet jesus, it kicked ass.
it was so clean and beautiful.
amazing shopping... nice (crazy-friendly) people.
a very comfortable, happy place to stay.
it was almost perfect. but, then i met some men.
the hotel manager tried to seduce me and walked in my room while i was changing. he also gave me a free bottle of wine and tried to lure me up to his room. fucking prick.
also, i was walking near the ocean with my sister when i was approached by about eight french men and a couple english men. most of them were wasted and they all kept trying to kiss me and touch me. the one that was most drunk proposed to me and gave me the shirt off of his back. he told me to wear it to bed every night. sick.
so, belgium is amazing. but.... next time i go, thomas has to come.

3:33pm: my lovely boyfriend is in the hospital... AGAIN. i'm going to visit him in a little while.
it seems that every two weeks or so something life-threatening happens to him. he's falling to bits!
i guess that's what happens when you meet someone this wonderful.
well, i'm supposed to be cleaning. but, i can't be bothered. i spend way too much time at home. i'm turning into a cave fish or something. a wine drinking cave fish. i want to come home. :/

9:52pm: hotels, champagne, and blow.
thomas. he's freaking amazing.
1. gorgeous. as hell.
2. biked 2 hours with a fucked broken arm to see me.
3. showed up with flowers, sandwiches, and wine... to have a picnic with me after the bus broke down and he had to walk an hour to my house.
4. he bought me expensive chocolates on easter.
5. he's just the sweetest thing.
6. he's not cheesy or anything (which is extremely important..)
7. he's deathly afraid of cows.
I LOOOVE HIM!

5:13pm: 1. Spell your first name backwards: elocin
2. Story behind your myspace name: roy orbison
3. What month were you born in: june
4. Where do you live: northamptonshire
5. Whats your eye color? greenish/bluish
6. Whats your hair color? bbbbbbbbbbblonde

DESCRIBE YOUR:

5. wallet - i don't have one
7. Toothbrush - green
8. Jewelry worn daily - none
10. Pillow cover right now - just red
14. Favorite shirt - cream lace/ h&m
15. Cologne/Perfume - chanel no. 5 & MAC mv3
16. CD in stereo -: aimee mann, i think..
17. Piercings - nada
18. What you are wearing now - jean skirt, green miss sixty shirt
19. Wishing - i wish i had a house in new zealand with thomas. i wish i could motivate myself to excercise
20. Wanting - waist-length hair and a nice tan.
21. After this - studying
22. If you could get away with it and murder anyone who would it be?: i wouldn't murder her, but i'd like to torture mariah carey...
23. Person you wish you could see right now: my thomas
24. Some of your favorite books: echo- FLB, memoirs of a geisha.
25. Something you're looking forward to in the coming week: tonight
26. The last thing you ate: spinach pizza
27. Something you are deathly afraid of: cannibals
28. Do you like candles: lots of white ones.
29. Do you like incense: nag champa
30. Do you like the taste of blood: blek
31. Do you believe in love: yyyyes.
32. Do you believe in soul mates: not really. but kind of.
33. Do you believe in love at first sight: no
35. Do you believe in God: halfway maybe
36. Do you believe in yourself?: yeah
37. Whats your favorite state?: california
38. What is the longest you've ever stayed up?: all night, duh.
39. Can you eat with chopsticks: no.
41. What are some of your favorite candies: raspberry truffles
42. What's something that you wish people would understand about you: hard.
43. What's something you wish you could understand better: the human race.

RELATIONSHIPS:

44. Are you shy around your crush?: no
45. Still have feelings for anyone in a past relationship?: no...
46. Would you sacrifice your favorite possession for your best friends?: definitly

FASHION STUFF:

47. Where is your favorite place to shop?: h&m, topshop
48. Have any tattoos?: no
49. What is your favorite thing to wear?: tight jeans with a nice pair of boots
50. What is a must have accessory?: fake pearls? sometimes..
51. How much is the most you've ever spent in a single clothing store?: £176.00 or something... and it wasn't mine.
52. Whos the least fashionable person you know?: my grandma
53. Do you match your belt with your hair color?: fuck no
54. What is the worst thing you've ever thought looked good?: ...
55. How many pairs of shoes do you own?: in the 20's
56. What is the worst trend you see today?: anything that happens to be popular at prairie heights high school. oh, and stupid emo shit.
57. Do you do drugs?: not really.
58. What kind of shampoo do you use?: john frida blonde stuff

RANDOM

59. What are you listening to right now?: the sleepy jackson
60. Who was the last person you texted?: Thomas
61. Who was the last person that called you?: mama
62. Where do you want to get married?: in new zealand
63. How many buddies are online right now?: i wouldn't know
64. What are essentials in your life?: other than the obvious, music and love
65. Do you send out holiday cards each year?: hah

CURRENT:

66. Hair: curled
67. make-up: mascara and red lipstick
68. music: didn't i answer that already?
69. mood: i need to wake up
70. time: 18:14

4:55pm: ..music..stuff.
Put your iTunes/iPod on shuffle. Ask the following questions and press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question. Oh, and you’re not supposed to cheat and forward to the next song if you get one you don’t like.


1. How does the world see you? pull my hair- bright eyes


2. Will I have a happy life? somewhere only we know- keane

3. What do my friends think of me? beautiful- portishead

4. Do people secretly lust after me? porcelain- red hot chili peppers

5. How can I make myself happy? if you leave- nada surf

6. What should I do with my life? how to be dead- snow patrol

7. Will I ever have children? one month- tegan and sara (i don't know if i like this one..)

8. What is some good advice for me? rape me- nirvana

9. How will I be remembered? torture me- metric

10. What's my signature dancing song? i'm OK, you're OK- joy electric

11. What's my current theme song? the bends- radiohead

12. What do others think is my current theme song? jagged little pill- alanis morsette

13. What type of men do I like? lost ones- lauryn hill

14. How's my love life? only you- portishead

11:55pm: i feel so disconnected from everything.
confused...stressed the fuck out.
thomas is going to take ages to heal.
father and mary ann arrived.
newcastle tomorrow, scotland tuesday, liverpool wednesday, london thursday...
i'll miss him.
whenever i start feeling this close to someone there's always this part of me that begins to become distant.
this cloud that surrounds me.
i'm so afraid.